Raw

Preface: This post was written in a kind of stream-of-consciousness style, so it probably doesn't make sense. You won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it, it's kind of depressing. I just wanted to remember how I was feeling today.

Why does it feel like he was never even here?

I can smell him on this blanket.

I have on the necklace he bought me.

There's a t-shirt on the floor he accidentally left. I just noticed it and I am so glad he forgot it.

I've got the gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure that he paid for so that I could have something to look forward to after he left.

The whole thing feels like a dream. It went by so fast. Did we do enough? Did we walk around Dahlonega enough? Did we take enough pictures?

We only had about two days of sunshine. We only watched one sunset together. I tried so hard to hang on to every moment, so why does it not seem like enough?

Only forever will be enough. That's why I want so badly to join the LDS church, so that Wayne and I can be together for all of eternity. That's the only amount of time that could possibly be enough with Wayne.

I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling. Kind of a mixture between sadness and numbness.

When I was driving back here, I actually reached for his hand. I listened to Christian music on the radio and just tried as hard as I could not to be mad at God. I'm not really mad, just broken a little.

Wayne takes a piece of my heart every time he goes home. I'm trying to pretend he's not sitting in that airport til almost 5 while I study and go to class. How cruel can this world be? Oh, and I just read an email telling me that the meeting I rushed back here for is canceled. It is really hard not to be mad about that.

Driving away from Wayne is so hard.

I wouldn't change places with anyone else for all the money in the world. I couldn't be happy with anyone other than Wayne. No way. He's the one I need. He's the one I want. He's mine. I'm his.

I'm gonna go hide under the blanket that smells like him, put on his t-shirt he left here, and cuddle the bear he brought from England for me. And then I'll get up and go to class and take my test. Because life marches on, whether we want it to or not. And Wayne will be back here soon.

He'll come back to me soon.