Hope

Note: I hope this post doesn't offend anyone. It was hard for me to write, but I think it's important for me to have it here to look back and remember. Hopefully a year from now I'll look back and remember how bad it was, and appreciate how much better things have gotten. If you're easily offended, you probably shouldn't read on, and if you do, don't bother writing a rude comment, because I won't read it.

My dad got a job yesterday. He started work today.

I really didn't want to mention this for everyone (everyone who wants to) to see, but my dad lost his job the first of the year. Yes that's right, he went back from his Christmas vacation, and was told "Welcome back, now leave." During the Christmas season, I heard about people who lost their jobs and felt so sorry for them that they wouldn't be able to afford many gifts for their families. Well really, it's worse when you lose your job right after Christmas, because you buy all the gifts and then realize you can't afford them and now you're broke.

Being poor is never fun (and when I say poor, I don't mean boo hoo I can't buy another Coach purse, I mean we actually buy most of our food through a reduced cost food program at a local church), but when you go from comfortably wealthy to poor, that's hard. It's not easy to get used to. I remember a time (when my sister was going through a picky eating phase) when we'd go out to eat probably 2-3 times a week or more. After Dad lost his job, we could only go out about once a month, and that was only if we had a coupon. Yes, you may see me walking around with expensive rings on my fingers and a Coach purse on my arm, but those were all purchased long before Dad was fired. I just keep those things close to make me feel better. And yes, I cherish them more now that I know I couldn't buy them anymore. Maybe that's one blessing that's come out of this.

It's even harder when the people around you aren't affected by the economy. When they still shop at J Crew several times a month, go out to eat all the time, and get jewelry from Tiffany's that they don't even want that I'd absolutely love. That makes it hard. Really hard.

And then the guilt sets in. I shouldn't be thinking those things about my friends or my parents' friends because, well, they're friends. I should be happy for them. I wouldn't want them to look down on me because I'm poor, so I shouldn't be jealous of them when I see all the nice new things they get to buy that I can only dream of buying.

Yesterday, my parents and I went over to a couple from church's house. These people are more like family than friends. Anyway, they just bought a vineyard on 27 acres of land up in North Carolina. They got a good deal on it because it was a foreclosure, but still, it's a vineyard. My mom seemed happy for them, but I couldn't help noticing she seemed to be faking her excitement a bit. Maybe I'm mistaken and she really was truly excited for them, but if she wasn't I can't blame her. How can you be sincerely happy for your friends who just bought a vineyard in another state when you are in fear of foreclosure on your own home? If you could do that, you must be a saint. I know I couldn't.

But my dad started a new job today. It's not much. He's working at a store that fixes computers, and he'll get 1/3 of whatever the store makes when he fixes a computer. So, he probably won't make much compared to what he used to when he worked at EMS (the devil's company, if you ask me). Still, it's something, and I'm trying to be hopeful (although it's hard to be hopeful when you really just want to be cynical).