Complicated

Wayne's here and it's so wonderful, amazing, perfect, and all those other positive descriptive words. I'll definitely be writing about that later, but for now I've got a little situation to write about.

My aunt who lives in California gave birth to her third baby this past November. She and baby Anthony (along with the rest of the family) are currently here visiting for a few weeks. The family is supposed to get together this Saturday to meet little Anthony for the first time.

The problem is, Wayne has to leave this Saturday evening. This makes things so complicated. The only people in my family who have met Wayne are my mom and dad. My grandparents don't even know about him yet, simply because I don't really want to hear all the questions my grandma will ask. So I'm not so sure a meet-the-family thing is real smart.

Basically, this just stinks. I'm already sad that he's going to be leaving, and then the family get-together just makes it 10 times worse. I'm really confused and not sure what to do.

I'll get through it, though. I'm just going to enjoy the week while I've got my sweet Wayne here by my side. His hugs soothe me so.

Taking Back Hope

Picture by Morgan

Faith, Hope, & Love. We're all supposed to cherish these gifts from our Father in Heaven.

This year I feel I've grown in my Faith. I also feel I've grown to know Wayne so much more and I Love ever single bit of him.

2009 stole my Hope.

I know that sounds harsh and dramatic and I didn't even realize it was true until today while a woman in church was sharing her testimony and talked about Hope. I can't even really remember what all she said about it (zero short-term memory here!), but the idea really struck a chord with me.

I know I'm not the only one who lost a little bit of Hope in 2009. The majority of the country was affected negatively by the bad economy. I know my family is not alone and I know my family wasn't even close to being one of the worst affected. And yet I allowed it to get to me so very badly. I should have never let anything or anyone steal my Hope.

It's a new year. It's been about a year now since my dad got laid off. He now has a job that can't even really be called a job because he makes less in one week than what my mother makes teaching one day, but the job gets him out of the house, and he likes it. So even though our family is still not completely out of the woods, I'll hold onto the Hope that everything is going to be okay.

What I Really Want

Wayne and I sat on this bench once. We were happy.

I really don't mean to be a downer these days. Really, my life is good, and I'm generally happy. I guess I've just been thinking a lot, maybe too much.

Remember how I said I wanted all these things and might ask my parents for a gift card to Anthropologie for my birthday? Well once I'd posted that I realized that I didn't need those things. Yes, if someone decided to be my fairy godmother and make all those things magically appear in my apartment, I'd be absolutely thrilled. But I don't need them.

You know what I really want for my birthday? What I really need?

Support. Approval. Love.

Those are what I need. I want my mom to support the decisions I make in my personal life. I want my parents to approve of Wayne. I want they're unconditional love.

I haven't told my parents Wayne is coming for my birthday. I think it's just hard for me to tell my mom because I don't want to hear in her voice that she doesn't approve. That hurts a lot. Yes he's older, yes he's from another country, yes it's not the easiest relationship in the world. But it's what I want, and I'm not going to change my mind. My heart has made the decision for me, and my heart wants Wayne always.

So I've been thinking maybe an email breaking the news would be easiest. That way I don't have to see/hear her initial reaction. I'm thinking I'll send an email telling her a less detailed version of what I've written here. Basically, that what will make me the happiest for my birthday this year is just for her to support me and be happy for me that Wayne worked so hard to be with me on my birthday.

Any moms out there, I'm willing to listen to your advice. I'd love advice from anyone, really (as long as you're sincere).

Thank you all.

Jobs, Parents, Conflict, Hope

This entry is kind of long and all over the place, but writing it was very therapeutic for me. Our heavenly Father is always listening.

It's not always easy to be hopeful. When you're in the middle of the ocean, barely able to keep your head above water, it's easy to miss the spotlight from the boat that's on its way to rescue you.

Right now, my head's above the water, and I've caught a glimpse of the rescue boat. It's still pretty far away, and sometimes I even wonder if it's coming for me at all, but I can see it.

The job my dad has...well it's not really the best. He's working at a computer repair shop, and get's paid 1/3 of whatever the store makes from each computer he fixes. Which means that if it takes him 2 days to fix a computer, and they shop charges $60, he basically got paid $20 for working two full days. Back in the Antebellum days, that was probably a good living. In 2009...not so much.

Oh wait, I was being positive :) To be honest, I'm really just so grateful he has a job at all. You've got to understand, when you have an unemployed father, it's not just your bank account that suffers. I'm pretty sure my dad was depressed. I'm pretty sure my mom was, too. She criticized him for every little thing, and they argued a lot.

At first, I sided with my mom. I'm ashamed to admit, I was angry with him, and didn't want to respect him. Still, after hearing my mom say to him, yet again, "Will you do ____ for me tomorrow, since you won't have anything else to do?" in a degrading tone of voice, I started to feel sorry for him. I knew he was trying. He was still my dad, still her husband, still a human being, and therefore still deserved respect.

So when I came home for Labor Day weekend, after witnessing yet another argument initiated by my mom, when she looked at me as if to say "isn't your father so weird?" instead of agreeing with her like usual, I stood up for my dad. At first, I just said "I'm not very happy with either of you," which was true. She was taken aback by this comment, and wanted further explanation. I told her that I was tired of her picking at every little thing my dad did. We talked a little about this, but she didn't seem very open-minded. I went to bed thinking that I'd made no difference, but praying that God could.

The next day, there was no fighting. I'm not sure if my mother mentioned to my dad what I'd said to her, but I have a feeling she did not, out of pride. After everything we've gone through since January when he lost his job (yes, this arguing and putting down my dad had gone on since then), I realized it wasn't my dad's lack of job that was the problem. It wasn't his computer game playing. It wasn't a lack of motivation.

The problem was my mom.

After nine months of stress, sadness, and anger, all it took was my mentioning my concerns to my mom for her to take a look at herself and realize what she'd been doing, and that she wasn't the only one in pain.

I think that's the worst part of going through a struggle. I've been thinking all along I was the only one suffering, while my mom had been thinking only she was suffering.

So what can I learn from this? Sometimes when you think you're the only one in pain, as soon as you speak up and tell someone about it, you'll realize they are in pain, too. If you're lucky, the source of your pain may even go away, because it's healed. [That doesn't make sense, I know, but it did in my head.]

And guess what? The very next day, after I asked my mom to think about what we'd discussed, after I figured she'd just go to sleep and not think a second thought about it? When I poured out my heart to her [and held off my crying until I could talk to Wayne, which is very unlike me] and figured she didn't care one bit? Well I have a feeling she had a little talk with God after I left the room, because do you know what happened the very next day?

My dad got a job.

Hope

Note: I hope this post doesn't offend anyone. It was hard for me to write, but I think it's important for me to have it here to look back and remember. Hopefully a year from now I'll look back and remember how bad it was, and appreciate how much better things have gotten. If you're easily offended, you probably shouldn't read on, and if you do, don't bother writing a rude comment, because I won't read it.

My dad got a job yesterday. He started work today.

I really didn't want to mention this for everyone (everyone who wants to) to see, but my dad lost his job the first of the year. Yes that's right, he went back from his Christmas vacation, and was told "Welcome back, now leave." During the Christmas season, I heard about people who lost their jobs and felt so sorry for them that they wouldn't be able to afford many gifts for their families. Well really, it's worse when you lose your job right after Christmas, because you buy all the gifts and then realize you can't afford them and now you're broke.

Being poor is never fun (and when I say poor, I don't mean boo hoo I can't buy another Coach purse, I mean we actually buy most of our food through a reduced cost food program at a local church), but when you go from comfortably wealthy to poor, that's hard. It's not easy to get used to. I remember a time (when my sister was going through a picky eating phase) when we'd go out to eat probably 2-3 times a week or more. After Dad lost his job, we could only go out about once a month, and that was only if we had a coupon. Yes, you may see me walking around with expensive rings on my fingers and a Coach purse on my arm, but those were all purchased long before Dad was fired. I just keep those things close to make me feel better. And yes, I cherish them more now that I know I couldn't buy them anymore. Maybe that's one blessing that's come out of this.

It's even harder when the people around you aren't affected by the economy. When they still shop at J Crew several times a month, go out to eat all the time, and get jewelry from Tiffany's that they don't even want that I'd absolutely love. That makes it hard. Really hard.

And then the guilt sets in. I shouldn't be thinking those things about my friends or my parents' friends because, well, they're friends. I should be happy for them. I wouldn't want them to look down on me because I'm poor, so I shouldn't be jealous of them when I see all the nice new things they get to buy that I can only dream of buying.

Yesterday, my parents and I went over to a couple from church's house. These people are more like family than friends. Anyway, they just bought a vineyard on 27 acres of land up in North Carolina. They got a good deal on it because it was a foreclosure, but still, it's a vineyard. My mom seemed happy for them, but I couldn't help noticing she seemed to be faking her excitement a bit. Maybe I'm mistaken and she really was truly excited for them, but if she wasn't I can't blame her. How can you be sincerely happy for your friends who just bought a vineyard in another state when you are in fear of foreclosure on your own home? If you could do that, you must be a saint. I know I couldn't.

But my dad started a new job today. It's not much. He's working at a store that fixes computers, and he'll get 1/3 of whatever the store makes when he fixes a computer. So, he probably won't make much compared to what he used to when he worked at EMS (the devil's company, if you ask me). Still, it's something, and I'm trying to be hopeful (although it's hard to be hopeful when you really just want to be cynical).

Stone Mountain Laser Show

Every year, my family meets up at Stone Mountain Park to have a picnic and watch the Lasershow. We always have such a fun time together. Here's a video for those of you who have never heard of a Lasershow (I'm not sure they are really common other places).

CAUTION: The video is really loud so you should probably turn your volume down.

Happy Mother's Day!

The Last of Easter 2009

Spring Resolution

I have decided to make a Spring Resolution, which is a fancy way of saying that I really need to make a change. I've written about my Aunt Melissa before. I alluded to the fact that I have grown apart from her in the past few years. Which is really a shame.

Aunt Melissa was such a huge part of my life growing up. I was a huge part of hers. But things change, people get married and have kids and all of a sudden the things that were so important to them before get put on the back burner. I am not blaming it on her, nor am I blaming myself. All I am saying is that I really want to make an effort to connect more with my sweet Aunt Melissa more from now on. As I mentioned before, she has a new baby on the way, and I am afraid she may be feeling disconnected from the world also, as she is a stay-at-home-mom and lives across the country from the rest of her family.

She sent me an Easter card, which arrived Saturday. I called her on a whim Easter night, to thank her for the card and to congratulate her. She had company over, so we did not really get to talk much. Maybe I'd made a mistake by calling her? Then she called me the next day, just to tell me how much she had appreciated my calling her the day before and she wanted to talk more. Maybe she has not changed as much as I had thought! We had a wonderful conversation about life in general. It was like talking to an old friend you haven't talked to in years, but just pick right back up where you left off.

We used to send letters to each other every once in a while. We used to talk all the time. We used to send emails much more than we do now.

I want to change all those used to's into do's.

Easter Cantata

Here's a video of the cantata from Easter Sunday. It's pretty poor quality, but I filmed it so I figured I should at least post it. I felt very strange filming during church, which is why the first few seconds are of the hymnal!




That's my mom!

Thankful

Sometimes when I start to feel sorry for myself, I realize I need a major reality check! I have so much to be thankful for that there is no reason I should ever feel sorry for myself! I'm blessed beyond anything I could ever imagine. Here are a few things that are on my heart to give thanks for tonight...



I'm an unofficial great aunt.



My Californian aunt is expecting for the third time this Thanksgiving.

Spring. You just can't be mad for too long in springtime.

Family and friends.

Plans. Things may not always work out the way you plan, but it's still good to have an idea in mind of where you're going.

Brownies sent by Morgan.

Cuddling with the English teddy.


Watching Lost with Wayne.

Classes are almost over!


The "my day in pictures" project Wayne and I are doing on our private blog.

Mountains.


Blue skies.


Old beautiful houses.


This man.


Grace.