Wayne's Poem for Me

The blue in your eyes is like the blue in the sky , with beautiful clouds that roll on by.

Your lips are the red of the sun that kisses me when the day has begun.

Your face is the the field that is full of flowers, so beautiful that I could look at it for hours.

Your voice is the wind that blows through my hair, telling me you love me and that you are there.

I see and hear things that are you every day, and I know that you are with me in so many ways.

[Thank you, Wayne, for writing this for me. I love you.]

The first time ever I saw your face

Wayne sings me that song all the time and I love it. I'm really missing Wayne, and really anticipating his next visit (I know it's soon, but Wayne won't tell me exactly when). So I thought I'd take some time and write about the first time we ever met in person.

First, I should back up and explain that Wayne and I actually met online (have I told this story before?). I won't go into details because it's really very unromantic and kind of boring. Basically, we started out talking through instant messenger maybe 5 minutes a day, to talking as friends for a few hours every night, to talking on the phone all night long, to Wayne telling me he loved me. Of course I told him I loved him, too.

That was all before we actually met in person. I know it seems weird. I do realize that. I don't recommend meeting men online to anyone. Still, I really felt this connection to Wayne that I can't even explain. I knew him even though I didn't really know him. At the risk of sounding completely cheesy (although I'm sure most of this will anyway), it really was as if I had known him forever.

So we planned to meet on April 1st, 2008. I was really nervous, not because I was worried he'd turn out to be a murderer, but because I was worried he'd take one look at me and run back to England.

The day came when Wayne was set to arrive at the airport, and I went to pick him up. I was shaking I was so nervous, and it didn't help that he was about 3 hours late (well, his plane was late, I can't blame him!).

After waiting and shaking and worrying, I saw him. He was real! He was here! He was mine! We hugged a few minutes and he kissed me. It was really just a quick peck on the lips. This was my first kiss ever, so of course I was completely nervous and had no idea what to do. I won't go into any more detail than that because I'm pretty sure this is already bordering on TMI.

I can't remember exactly, but I think he was here about two weeks that first visit. He basically spoiled me rotten buying me things, taking me to dinner, carrying all my bags, and treating me at the movies. This was the first time in my life I've ever felt that cared for and loved. The only problem? He had to leave to go back to England.

My heart pretty much broke when he left. I was so upset I actually got in my first car wreck on the way home. I cried for days (so did he).

Meanwhile, he was saving up to come back to me. Eventually, he was back in my arms where he belongs.

And so it goes. He saves, he comes here, he leaves, he saves he comes here...

I miss him.

Last February, when I was blonde.

My last post was about hope. Here's something I'm hoping for now.

I'm hoping for holidays spent with Wayne. I know he's coming soon, but he won't tell me when. This is really making me wonder. Is he coming for Valentine's Day? For his birthday? Or maybe just shortly after, when we can still celebrate?

I dream a lot about our future life together. After so many Christmases and Valentine's Days and Birthdays and... you get the picture... spent apart, I think we deserve many special days together. Is that how it works?

I think about this a lot, that we "deserve" certain things in the future since we're enduring so much now. Not sure if it works that way, but a girl can hope!

Sad and Sweet

My mom is the choir director at our church and every year of course there is a choir party. I've gone several years mostly because the food is always delicious. Last night was this year's choir party, and I again went just for the good food.

There are two couples in the choir where the husband is 20 years older than his wife (they're both second marriages). Last night I happened to get in the food line right next to one of these couples, and what I experienced put me on the verge of tears. I literally had to bite my lip to keep from crying.

The wife, Patsy, was helping her husband, Keith, fix his plate of food. He was basically just holding his plate as best he could, and she was asking him what he wanted and putting it on his plate. I guess she saw me looking a little curious and she told me that with his medication there were certain things he couldn't eat. She told Keith that he couldn't have the broccoli or the sweet potatoes, but he could have a roll. She was speaking to him almost as if he were a child, but not in a condescending way. She was just being so patient with him, reminding him to keep his plate level when his hands would start to tilt. "Don't these rolls look good? You'll like one of them. You probably shouldn't have any butter, though." Keith, taking the roll, said "I can't have any butter?" At that point I'm assuming Patsy just couldn't bear to say no one more time, as she told him that yes, he could have a little butter.

This was so sweet and so sad at the same time. I'm not sure if it's just because Wayne's 10 years older than me, which everyone seems to think is such a big deal, but this just really touched me. I thought about how must Patsy must love her husband to be able to take care of him like that. She has to treat him like a child without treating him like a child. She has such grace and strength. It made me think about how one day I may have to take care of Wayne (sorry Wayne!). I pray every night that my Heavenly Father will allow Wayne and I to grow old together. I want to be 85 and have 95-year-old Wayne sitting next to me in a rocking chair, watching the sun set.

It's a scary thing, loving someone so much. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. It's hard to give someone your heart because you can never be sure exactly what the future will hold.

Still, I do know this: if one day I have to tell Wayne to hold his plate level, and that he can only have a little butter, I'll praise God that Wayne's standing next to me.

Bitter-Sweet

Today was a bitter-sweet day.

It was the day I received the Holy Ghost and was confirmed as a member of the LDS Church, and it's also Wayne's last full day here.

Brother Collins said a beautiful prayer for me today. I really feel like he is truly a wonderful man, and feel blessed to have him as my Sunday school teacher. Morgan's dad was also up there with me, as well as Elder Clark and Elder Lee. It was so nice and I feel so lucky to be a part of such a great ward.

This is hard for me to write. I try so hard to be strong. I'm so grateful that Wayne is healthy and able to come see me, but it just stinks when he has to leave. We're both upset, but trying to stay strong and happy. I know it won't be long 'til he's back here. I just hate it when he leaves, but I know I'll be okay as long as he's safe and comes back to me.

He spoils me. He buys me things and does my dishes and carries my bags and rubs my feet and takes out the trash. Doing all those things just makes it so much harder when he goes, but after a few days I'll be used to doing those things all alone again and I'll be fine. That's my normal for now. While he's here, that's a treat. I don't think some people get that. Some people see him carrying my pink bags and think I'll cruel and wonder why he puts up with me, but I don't think they understand that it's the only way I can deal with him being gone so much. Anyway, he doesn't mind what other people think, so neither do I.

One thing I'm worried about is being alone. Someone who I felt was a good friend has seemed to be avoiding me this past week, which will make having Wayne gone even harder. It's okay, though. I went through my first two years of college with no friends up here, so I can make it through the last year and a half if need be. Wayne and I are lucky that we can call each other and talk pretty much any time of the day, so that's good.

Alright, I'd better get to bed now. Tomorrow's a hard, busy day. If you're reading this tomorrow (Monday) night, please just pray that Wayne will get back to England safely. I'll feel better once I know he's safely back in England (which isn't his home; his home is here with me).

Good night.

Letting it happen

I let it happen again. I threw myself a little pity party yesterday. I just kept thinking how unfair it is that Wayne and I can't have a "normal" relationship.

It's not fair that we can't go on date nights once a week.
It's not fair I've only been with him about 2 months out of the past two years.
It's not fair he has to work so hard to earn us the money to be able to see each other.
It's not fair I have to graduate college before we can get married.
It's not fair that no one will give him a chance to work here so he can be here with me.

Unfortunately, our parents were telling us the truth when they said "life isn't fair." It's an awful, mean, ugly fact.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. This happens every once in a while, usually when it's that time of month, ifyouknowwhatimean. I know that sounds so middle school pathetic-- sorry.

Anyway, the point of this post is to be thankful. I'm so thankful to our Heavenly Father that Wayne is willing and able to work as hard as he can to earn enough money to see me. I'm thankful for Wayne for working so hard. He hardly ever gets a day off, and I fear I often take this for granted.

Wayne, though I miss you constantly, I know one day we'll be together all the time. When we finally are able to live together, I pray we never take that for granted.

Being with the one you love is a precious thing. It's a privilege that I can't wait to earn.

the best

Here's a poem Wayne just made up for me and randomly sent to me. I wanted to post it on here so I could look back at it later.



You are the bright stars when I look up at night,

You are the morning sun that is shining so bright,

You are the wind the blows and makes a whisper sound in my ear,

You are the beauty in my life that brings me cheer.

You are the most beautiful woman alive, and you are soon to be my wife.



I've got the best guy around!

Three

{I made Wayne take this picture of me in an antique store. I have no shame.}

Ever since I wrote this post, I've been thinking a lot about my wedding(s). Yes, that's right, there will most likely be more than one.

My dream is to be married in the temple.

I also want to have a wedding ceremony with my family and friends.

And I have sort of been thinking that eloping a la cjane would be kind of fun.

So...
I guess I really have not made any more decisions about my wedding.

I do know I want daisies. Lots of daisies. Which begs the question: Which wedding will I have flowers at? Okay, I guess I should really get to dreaming!

Missing Wayne

Although I always miss Wayne when we're apart, I have been missing him an extra amount last night and this morning. I thought maybe writing the things I love about him being here would cheer me up. Or it might make me miss him worse. I guess we will find out!

Wayne...

...opens doors for me.
...always pays for dinner.
...kisses me every 10 seconds.
...dances with me in the rain.
...carries my bags.
...holds me as much as I want.
...takes me to lots of nice places.
...buys popcorn for us at the theater.
...goes to church with me.
...gets things for me from across the room so I don't have to get up.
...walks me to class.
...picks me up from class.
...gives me massages.
...reads the BOM to me.
...watches Lifetime movies with me.
...meets with the missionaries with me.
...bakes cakes with me.
...takes pictures of me.
...takes pictures with me.
...watches sunsets with me.
...walks with me around the square.
...buys me special things to remember our time together.

Did I mention he kisses me all the time?

There are so many more things I love about him being here that I can not even list them all. I have to say my most favorite thing about him being here, or there, or anywhere is the way he loves me.

two

Several decades from now, Wayne and I will be sitting in church.
He'll have his arm around me, claiming me as his own.
We may be singing a hymn, or listening to a speaker.
There's a little girl sitting a few rows back.
She notices how happy Wayne and I are.
She says a prayer, that one day she'll have what Wayne and I have.
And the cycle will start all over again with her, many years down the line.

one

I have this diamond ring.
It's a ring my grandma bought for me at an antique store, several years ago.
I often wonder about who the ring belonged to before it became mine.

It's a modest, simple ring.
I like to imagine a young man, just-graduated-high-school, bought the ring for his high school Sweetheart.
I imagine a humble proposal, outside, in nature.
He gets down on one knee, takes her hand in his, and asks her to be his forever.

She says yes.
A thousand times, yes.

Thankful

I'm thankful for...

The grace and mercy my Heavenly Father has shown me.


The crazy weather here.


Knitting for others.


Happy endings.


Wayne's love.

{Photo by Wayne.}

1. your blue eyes
2. your hugs
3. your desire to learn more about God
4. that you like cats
5. your desire for a family with me
6. how you like to read the Bible with me
7. that you miss me as much as I miss you
8. how you follow Christ
9. your chest :)
10. your kisses
11. your letters to me
12. your pictures of your town for me
13. that you adore your nieces
14. what a great runner you are
15. your bedtime stories
16. your poems
17. that you want to be a father
18. your smile
19. when you tell me I'm perfect
20. when you pray with me
21. your accent
22. you never complain when we watch chick flicks
23. how you flex your muscles for me
    
24. you help your mother without complaint
25. your messages throughout the day
26. your thoughtful gifts
27. what a hard worker you are
28. your love for football
29. how easily you make friends
30. your upbeat attitude about things
    

+1 for good luck:
The way you love me

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WAYNE

Without you, I would be one sad little puppy.

All day long, I dream about you.

You are the one I will forever give my heart to.

Never will I ever let you go.

Even Eternity does not hold enough time for me to show you just how much love I have for you.

Wayne,

Do you know what you mean to me;

That you're everything that makes up my world?
Do you know how much love I have for you;
That it could never run out if I lived a million lifetimes?
Do you know how much I miss you;
That my body aches for your embrace?
Do you know what I would give up for you;
That I would give my very being to protect you?
Do you know how I yearn for you;
That I long to feel your lips pressed against mine?

Do you know what you mean to me?

Read Me's!

Also during Christmas Break, Morgan and I put out Read Me's. We had found the idea from NieNie's blog [who, by the way, will be back to blogging this Friday!!!!!!], and just thought it seemed like such a wonderful idea. [I can't take credit for how cute these turned out. All credit is due to Morgan, who designed them while I was driving home from college.]

We set one by an ATM.

We set a few in bushes.

We put some outside restaurants.

This is when we saw the dreaded grasshopper bug thing. It was scary. So scary, in fact, that we had to capture it's scariness on camera.

This old man was just so dang cute!

This house was so creepy.

At the end of the day, all we were left with was a whole lotta glitter. Oh yeah, and the feeling that we had done something good for othes-- that too!!

Tribute Tuesday

My adorable Wayne came up with this idea to pay tribute to one of your favorite people/things each week. So I figured I should start out with a tribute to Wayne, since he wrote a very sweet one for me.

The following is a conversation we had via text last week. I think it pretty much sums up our relationship.

Wayne: I'll be right back, I have to poop.
Me: Okay...
...2 minutes pass...
Wayne: I'm back.
Me: That was really fast!! [It usually takes him like half an hour.]
Wayne: I pushed really hard.

Honestly, that is one of the things I adore about our relationship. We can be silly or goofy or just plain gross, and we're just so comfortable with each other. This is the kind of relationship I've always wanted, and I feel indescribably blessed to have found a man who I can just completely be myself around.

So this is for you, Wayne, the best man I know.



[See, I didn't even put the thing in about the incident with the ruler!]

One.

Today is an important day for Wayne and I. Today, we have officially been together for one whole year.

That may not seem like much to people like my grandparents, who have been together for almost 60 years. However, it really doesn't matter what those people think. This is mine and Wayne's day. This is a day for us to be proud of each other. This is a day to remember all we've been through in the past year, and how well we've come through it.

Yes, one year may seem insignificant in the scheme of things, but a lot can happen in a year.

A lot has happened this past year. Some were good, some not-so-good. We got through it together.

I realize there are people out there who think we'll never make it. We'll prove them all wrong. I can promise you that.

And for those people who do believe in us, like my sweet friend Morgan, or the lovely woman who has fixed my hair for just about forever and has become a great friend, I am forever grateful. It really means the world to me when someone shows sincere happiness for Wayne and me.

Finally, to Wayne: Thank you for the happiest year of my life thus far. I know it sounds cheesy or cliche, but it's completely true. I truly am the happiest when I'm with you. Thank you for that.

Thank you for this year, and countless more to come.