Happy Valentine's Day 2012

I'm the kind of girl who loves Nicholas Sparks books/movies (what other kind of girl is there?). However, I was really never a huge fan of The Notebook (shocking, I know!).

But when I saw this quote on Pinterest, I thought it perfectly described what I'd like to say to Wayne.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.”

Photo by Morgan

Happy Valentine's Day, Wayne. I love you forever, everyday.

Wayne's Visit (December 2011)

Wayne came to visit me early this month. He was only able to stay one week, but we had a truly wonderful time.

We saw a few movies and went shopping at the Outlet Mall in Dawsonville. We saw the Christmas lights in Dahlonega. The Dahlonega Square was all lit up, and absolutely beautiful to see. I know it sounds cheesy, but it really was a Winter Wonderland. I was really so very happy to see it with Wayne. I can't wait until we are putting Christmas lights on our own home.

Thank you, Wayne, for coming to see me during our first December together, and thank you for the beautiful snowflake necklace you bought for me. I will cherish it, and especially the memories we made, forever.

Wayne's Poem for Me

The blue in your eyes is like the blue in the sky , with beautiful clouds that roll on by.

Your lips are the red of the sun that kisses me when the day has begun.

Your face is the the field that is full of flowers, so beautiful that I could look at it for hours.

Your voice is the wind that blows through my hair, telling me you love me and that you are there.

I see and hear things that are you every day, and I know that you are with me in so many ways.

[Thank you, Wayne, for writing this for me. I love you.]

Complicated

Wayne's here and it's so wonderful, amazing, perfect, and all those other positive descriptive words. I'll definitely be writing about that later, but for now I've got a little situation to write about.

My aunt who lives in California gave birth to her third baby this past November. She and baby Anthony (along with the rest of the family) are currently here visiting for a few weeks. The family is supposed to get together this Saturday to meet little Anthony for the first time.

The problem is, Wayne has to leave this Saturday evening. This makes things so complicated. The only people in my family who have met Wayne are my mom and dad. My grandparents don't even know about him yet, simply because I don't really want to hear all the questions my grandma will ask. So I'm not so sure a meet-the-family thing is real smart.

Basically, this just stinks. I'm already sad that he's going to be leaving, and then the family get-together just makes it 10 times worse. I'm really confused and not sure what to do.

I'll get through it, though. I'm just going to enjoy the week while I've got my sweet Wayne here by my side. His hugs soothe me so.

The first time ever I saw your face

Wayne sings me that song all the time and I love it. I'm really missing Wayne, and really anticipating his next visit (I know it's soon, but Wayne won't tell me exactly when). So I thought I'd take some time and write about the first time we ever met in person.

First, I should back up and explain that Wayne and I actually met online (have I told this story before?). I won't go into details because it's really very unromantic and kind of boring. Basically, we started out talking through instant messenger maybe 5 minutes a day, to talking as friends for a few hours every night, to talking on the phone all night long, to Wayne telling me he loved me. Of course I told him I loved him, too.

That was all before we actually met in person. I know it seems weird. I do realize that. I don't recommend meeting men online to anyone. Still, I really felt this connection to Wayne that I can't even explain. I knew him even though I didn't really know him. At the risk of sounding completely cheesy (although I'm sure most of this will anyway), it really was as if I had known him forever.

So we planned to meet on April 1st, 2008. I was really nervous, not because I was worried he'd turn out to be a murderer, but because I was worried he'd take one look at me and run back to England.

The day came when Wayne was set to arrive at the airport, and I went to pick him up. I was shaking I was so nervous, and it didn't help that he was about 3 hours late (well, his plane was late, I can't blame him!).

After waiting and shaking and worrying, I saw him. He was real! He was here! He was mine! We hugged a few minutes and he kissed me. It was really just a quick peck on the lips. This was my first kiss ever, so of course I was completely nervous and had no idea what to do. I won't go into any more detail than that because I'm pretty sure this is already bordering on TMI.

I can't remember exactly, but I think he was here about two weeks that first visit. He basically spoiled me rotten buying me things, taking me to dinner, carrying all my bags, and treating me at the movies. This was the first time in my life I've ever felt that cared for and loved. The only problem? He had to leave to go back to England.

My heart pretty much broke when he left. I was so upset I actually got in my first car wreck on the way home. I cried for days (so did he).

Meanwhile, he was saving up to come back to me. Eventually, he was back in my arms where he belongs.

And so it goes. He saves, he comes here, he leaves, he saves he comes here...

I miss him.

Last February, when I was blonde.

My last post was about hope. Here's something I'm hoping for now.

I'm hoping for holidays spent with Wayne. I know he's coming soon, but he won't tell me when. This is really making me wonder. Is he coming for Valentine's Day? For his birthday? Or maybe just shortly after, when we can still celebrate?

I dream a lot about our future life together. After so many Christmases and Valentine's Days and Birthdays and... you get the picture... spent apart, I think we deserve many special days together. Is that how it works?

I think about this a lot, that we "deserve" certain things in the future since we're enduring so much now. Not sure if it works that way, but a girl can hope!

Sad and Sweet

My mom is the choir director at our church and every year of course there is a choir party. I've gone several years mostly because the food is always delicious. Last night was this year's choir party, and I again went just for the good food.

There are two couples in the choir where the husband is 20 years older than his wife (they're both second marriages). Last night I happened to get in the food line right next to one of these couples, and what I experienced put me on the verge of tears. I literally had to bite my lip to keep from crying.

The wife, Patsy, was helping her husband, Keith, fix his plate of food. He was basically just holding his plate as best he could, and she was asking him what he wanted and putting it on his plate. I guess she saw me looking a little curious and she told me that with his medication there were certain things he couldn't eat. She told Keith that he couldn't have the broccoli or the sweet potatoes, but he could have a roll. She was speaking to him almost as if he were a child, but not in a condescending way. She was just being so patient with him, reminding him to keep his plate level when his hands would start to tilt. "Don't these rolls look good? You'll like one of them. You probably shouldn't have any butter, though." Keith, taking the roll, said "I can't have any butter?" At that point I'm assuming Patsy just couldn't bear to say no one more time, as she told him that yes, he could have a little butter.

This was so sweet and so sad at the same time. I'm not sure if it's just because Wayne's 10 years older than me, which everyone seems to think is such a big deal, but this just really touched me. I thought about how must Patsy must love her husband to be able to take care of him like that. She has to treat him like a child without treating him like a child. She has such grace and strength. It made me think about how one day I may have to take care of Wayne (sorry Wayne!). I pray every night that my Heavenly Father will allow Wayne and I to grow old together. I want to be 85 and have 95-year-old Wayne sitting next to me in a rocking chair, watching the sun set.

It's a scary thing, loving someone so much. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. It's hard to give someone your heart because you can never be sure exactly what the future will hold.

Still, I do know this: if one day I have to tell Wayne to hold his plate level, and that he can only have a little butter, I'll praise God that Wayne's standing next to me.

Some people are so dense.

You know how whenever you're in a bad mood, and someone asks if you're in a bad mood, it puts you in an even worse mood? Or is that just me? I don't know.

Well it's no secret Wayne left Monday. One of the worst parts after he leaves, is having to go different places without him, and everyone asking "So, Wayne went home, huh?" Well actually no, he didn't go home, but yes, he did go back to England. Thanks for your great concern!

You'd think that would be the end of it, but people like to keep going on and say things like "So that's why you're so quiet," or my favorite "so that's why you've been dead the past few days." Actually, I haven't been dead. I've been as alive as I can be.

So maybe I'm not jumping back into my bubbly self I was before he came. It's not even just the being sad part. Yes, I'm sad. I'm not going to lie, it stinks. But it's not just that. It's the fact that I got used to him being here. I got used to being part of a couple. I got used to being a "we" as in "We're going to dinner," or "We're going to the movies tonight," or "We're just going to meet with the missionaries later." After all that we-ing, it's hard to back to just "I."

Yes, I can be alone. I can get by without nightly massages. I can take out my own trash. I can wash my own dishes. I don't mind watching mindless television alone. I can be independent. Still, it just takes a little getting used to.

I will get back to normal, just give me a couple more days. In the meantime, please refrain from pointing out the fact that I may be in a mild funk. It really does me no good.

Bitter-Sweet

Today was a bitter-sweet day.

It was the day I received the Holy Ghost and was confirmed as a member of the LDS Church, and it's also Wayne's last full day here.

Brother Collins said a beautiful prayer for me today. I really feel like he is truly a wonderful man, and feel blessed to have him as my Sunday school teacher. Morgan's dad was also up there with me, as well as Elder Clark and Elder Lee. It was so nice and I feel so lucky to be a part of such a great ward.

This is hard for me to write. I try so hard to be strong. I'm so grateful that Wayne is healthy and able to come see me, but it just stinks when he has to leave. We're both upset, but trying to stay strong and happy. I know it won't be long 'til he's back here. I just hate it when he leaves, but I know I'll be okay as long as he's safe and comes back to me.

He spoils me. He buys me things and does my dishes and carries my bags and rubs my feet and takes out the trash. Doing all those things just makes it so much harder when he goes, but after a few days I'll be used to doing those things all alone again and I'll be fine. That's my normal for now. While he's here, that's a treat. I don't think some people get that. Some people see him carrying my pink bags and think I'll cruel and wonder why he puts up with me, but I don't think they understand that it's the only way I can deal with him being gone so much. Anyway, he doesn't mind what other people think, so neither do I.

One thing I'm worried about is being alone. Someone who I felt was a good friend has seemed to be avoiding me this past week, which will make having Wayne gone even harder. It's okay, though. I went through my first two years of college with no friends up here, so I can make it through the last year and a half if need be. Wayne and I are lucky that we can call each other and talk pretty much any time of the day, so that's good.

Alright, I'd better get to bed now. Tomorrow's a hard, busy day. If you're reading this tomorrow (Monday) night, please just pray that Wayne will get back to England safely. I'll feel better once I know he's safely back in England (which isn't his home; his home is here with me).

Good night.

The Big Day

No, I'm not talking about my wedding day. That won't be for a couple years now. I'm talking about today, the day I was baptized into the LDS church.

I've been anticipating this day for months now. Since January, actually. When Wayne first told me LDS missionaries were talking to him, I just knew this was fate. I knew he'd join the church, then I'd join the church.

I feel so lucky to have had Wayne baptize me. Everything just worked out perfectly to bring everything together for today. It was amazing having Wayne there. Morgan and Morgan's family basically planned the whole thing and made everything run so smoothly. I'm so grateful to all of them.

I'm not really sure how to write about this any more in paragraph form, so I'll just do a little jot list of things I remember from the day (some of these are embarrassing)...

Elder Olson and Elder Jenkins from the Dahlonega ward got to come
Wayne finally remembered to bring the letter from his Bishop saying he could baptize me
I had to wear all white, but didn't have any white skirts that were below my knees, so I wore a Marilyn Monroe dress with a white shirt over it (see, I told you some of these were embarrassing!)
Brother Collins (who teaches my Sunday school class) helped conduct the ceremony, and helped Wayne and me out a lot
Mr. Blake and Stuart were the witnesses
Courtney played a song for me
Morgan's mom made delicious food, and Morgan baked scrumptious goodies
Elder Lee gave the closing prayer
Elder Clark gave a talk on baptism
This sounds weird, but Brother Collins helped me get my dress to stay down
Wayne kept me calm the whole time; I was very nervous
Wayne said the speech perfectly

Morgan's speech on the Holy Ghost was wonderful. I felt sort of bad because she'd been so busy baking for the day that she hadn't had time to write her speech. I knew she was nervous, but also knew she would do a great job. She started her talk out by quoting a lot of great talks and Scripture, but my favorite part was the ending (sorry that sounds bad, but I don't mean it that way). She talked about how there are lots of gifts in life that are just things, and how those kinds of gifts will never even come close to how amazing the gift of the Holy Ghost is. I didn't receive the Holy Ghost today, but I will this coming Sunday. Poor Morgan started to cry, which of course made me cry, and Wayne squeezed my hand. Thank you so much for your speech, Morgan.

Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post later. Also, here is a blog Wayne wrote about the day.

Thanks to everyone who made the day so special, and especially to Wayne and Morgan. I love you both so much!

Letting it happen

I let it happen again. I threw myself a little pity party yesterday. I just kept thinking how unfair it is that Wayne and I can't have a "normal" relationship.

It's not fair that we can't go on date nights once a week.
It's not fair I've only been with him about 2 months out of the past two years.
It's not fair he has to work so hard to earn us the money to be able to see each other.
It's not fair I have to graduate college before we can get married.
It's not fair that no one will give him a chance to work here so he can be here with me.

Unfortunately, our parents were telling us the truth when they said "life isn't fair." It's an awful, mean, ugly fact.

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. This happens every once in a while, usually when it's that time of month, ifyouknowwhatimean. I know that sounds so middle school pathetic-- sorry.

Anyway, the point of this post is to be thankful. I'm so thankful to our Heavenly Father that Wayne is willing and able to work as hard as he can to earn enough money to see me. I'm thankful for Wayne for working so hard. He hardly ever gets a day off, and I fear I often take this for granted.

Wayne, though I miss you constantly, I know one day we'll be together all the time. When we finally are able to live together, I pray we never take that for granted.

Being with the one you love is a precious thing. It's a privilege that I can't wait to earn.

What I Really Want

Wayne and I sat on this bench once. We were happy.

I really don't mean to be a downer these days. Really, my life is good, and I'm generally happy. I guess I've just been thinking a lot, maybe too much.

Remember how I said I wanted all these things and might ask my parents for a gift card to Anthropologie for my birthday? Well once I'd posted that I realized that I didn't need those things. Yes, if someone decided to be my fairy godmother and make all those things magically appear in my apartment, I'd be absolutely thrilled. But I don't need them.

You know what I really want for my birthday? What I really need?

Support. Approval. Love.

Those are what I need. I want my mom to support the decisions I make in my personal life. I want my parents to approve of Wayne. I want they're unconditional love.

I haven't told my parents Wayne is coming for my birthday. I think it's just hard for me to tell my mom because I don't want to hear in her voice that she doesn't approve. That hurts a lot. Yes he's older, yes he's from another country, yes it's not the easiest relationship in the world. But it's what I want, and I'm not going to change my mind. My heart has made the decision for me, and my heart wants Wayne always.

So I've been thinking maybe an email breaking the news would be easiest. That way I don't have to see/hear her initial reaction. I'm thinking I'll send an email telling her a less detailed version of what I've written here. Basically, that what will make me the happiest for my birthday this year is just for her to support me and be happy for me that Wayne worked so hard to be with me on my birthday.

Any moms out there, I'm willing to listen to your advice. I'd love advice from anyone, really (as long as you're sincere).

Thank you all.

the best

Here's a poem Wayne just made up for me and randomly sent to me. I wanted to post it on here so I could look back at it later.



You are the bright stars when I look up at night,

You are the morning sun that is shining so bright,

You are the wind the blows and makes a whisper sound in my ear,

You are the beauty in my life that brings me cheer.

You are the most beautiful woman alive, and you are soon to be my wife.



I've got the best guy around!

Sad and Happy

First, the sad...

I am sad there are no more "days of Wayne's visit" to post about.

I am angry Wayne's mother used the money Wayne gave her for something other than to pay the internet bill.

I am sad that I can not see Wayne tonight.

I am sad that I will be moving out of this room on Saturday. The room Wayne and I spent time together. The room where he bit my finger. The room where I made frosting for our cake and we ate it off my desk. The room Wayne and I first met the missionaries in.

I am sad I will only get to see the missionaries once or twice before I leave.

...then the happy...

I am happy school will be over with on Saturday.

I am excited to see my aunt and cousins on Saturday afternoon.

I am so looking forward to being able to see Wayne whenever he does get his internet turned back on.

I know just how very lucky I am to even have my Wayne.

I am just generally happy for new things to come this summer.

For Wayne

I must admit I did not make these up myself. They are from an email I received, but I thought they were funny enough to share here.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Missing Wayne

Although I always miss Wayne when we're apart, I have been missing him an extra amount last night and this morning. I thought maybe writing the things I love about him being here would cheer me up. Or it might make me miss him worse. I guess we will find out!

Wayne...

...opens doors for me.
...always pays for dinner.
...kisses me every 10 seconds.
...dances with me in the rain.
...carries my bags.
...holds me as much as I want.
...takes me to lots of nice places.
...buys popcorn for us at the theater.
...goes to church with me.
...gets things for me from across the room so I don't have to get up.
...walks me to class.
...picks me up from class.
...gives me massages.
...reads the BOM to me.
...watches Lifetime movies with me.
...meets with the missionaries with me.
...bakes cakes with me.
...takes pictures of me.
...takes pictures with me.
...watches sunsets with me.
...walks with me around the square.
...buys me special things to remember our time together.

Did I mention he kisses me all the time?

There are so many more things I love about him being here that I can not even list them all. I have to say my most favorite thing about him being here, or there, or anywhere is the way he loves me.

Day 10: Wayne's Visit

Sunday, we watched the third session of General Conference at the church. I can't even explain how much I love being in church with Wayne. It's quite literally a dream come true.

Then we had lunch at the Piazza.

For dinner, Morgan's parents had invited us to dinner. It was lovely.

It was our last night together, and we tried our best to enjoy it all.

Day 9: Wayne's Visit

Saturday was General Conference. Wayne and I went to the first session at the church nearby (yes, we finally found it). We then spent a while on the square. We ate at Pueblos and then got some ice cream.

We also enjoyed our only sunset of the trip together, and got about a million pictures. Here's a few of them.

Day 8: Wayne's Visit

I made Wayne pick this flower for me!

Friday was another busy day. I didn't have classes, so we went and looked around the square in the morning. Then we decided to try to find the LDS Church nearby. That was quite an experience! We then went back to the square, without finding the church. We went into a little shop and Wayne bought me an adorable bag (thanks again, Wayne!). After that, we ate next door at a little sandwich shop. It was very yummy! Then I had to go back to school to meet with my adviser. This is the first time I've met with her and she is really nice!

That night, we ate at Wiley's and then we decided to go see Bye Bye Birdie, which was playing at the Holly. Wayne was skeptical, but I knew he would love it. And he did!

Day 7: Wayne's Visit

Thursday, I had classes all morning and into the afternoon. We then ate lunch at the Dairy Queen, which Wayne enjoyed (I think), but I didn't so much. The best thing was that Wayne was there with me :)

Then we went back to meet these guys again!

And just enjoyed our time together.